This blog post will be slightly different from what I usually write; it will be more of a rant or a stream of conscious thought about how I felt in April. Probably not the right way to start a blog post, but I just wanted to start the new month with an honest recap of where my mind wandered in April.
What happened in April?
April seemed like a nothing month for me. Not because I didn’t do anything or achieve anything, but because it felt like I was just going through the motions.
- Getting up
- Going to work (which is from home)
- Finishing work
- Having dinner
Blogging became something I convinced myself I shouldn’t be doing. I had a few blogs written and scheduled in April but decided that they weren’t good enough, so they went back into my drafts folder.
Everything felt too much. Imposter Syndrome hit me hard.
It was one of those months where nothing seemed good enough.
My nighttime routine got later and later because I felt like I had to make the most of my day, but that feeling of accomplishment never came. I’d lay awake thinking about everything I should have done and convince myself that tomorrow I’d do more, I’d be more.
Then tomorrow came, and the same routine happened again. I weighed myself down with expectations so much that I couldn’t enjoy the moment. Instead of focusing on what I was doing, I focused on what I should be doing and where I should be.
In May, I don’t want to do that.
I want to focus on right now, this moment and not what I think I should be doing or achieving.
There will be so many people in this world telling me I’m not good enough, that I shouldn’t be blogging or doing my job or trying something new. I shouldn’t be one of those people.
What does May have in store?
I love a SMART goal; I always have. It gives you something to focus on, but this month I want to loosen the reigns and focus more on the process rather than the end result.
While I will still be writing my monthly blogging goals, I will disregard the weekly ones this month. If I don’t achieve my monthly goals, I am in the position right now where that is okay. I want to focus on the parts I love and be in the moment rather than fixate on stats. That doesn’t mean I won’t celebrate milestones, though, as I believe it is important to celebrate the small wins along the way.
My statistics for April were low across the board as I wasn’t putting as much effort into sharing or writing; in fact, I only wrote three blog posts in April.
While I will still be recording my stats on my spreadsheet, I won’t be making them a focus this month. Instead, I want to focus on the community and engaging. I love the social side of blogging, and I have found that it has taken a backseat recently, so I want to bring that to the forefront once again.
I also want to share the content I have created or create in May.
I started running in April, which is a big thing for me! I am using the couch to 5k app, which is helpful, and the process is… well, it’s running after years of not, so I can’t say anything positive about the running aspect just yet. I do feel myself brimming with pride afterwards, though, even if my legs do feel like jelly.
I will be continuing to run in May, as it has shown me that it is the small steps we take that matter. I’m not going to start off as a fantastic runner; it takes time. If anything, running has taught me the importance of patience.
I’m involved in a blogging collaboration that is due this month, and it has 100% made me so happy. This will sound extremely silly and maybe a little embarrassing, but I felt overwhelmed (in a good way) and giddy when I was included in this collaboration. I’m not an emotional person, in fact, I use humour to distract from that, but this was one of those moments where I felt tearful. I’m a shy introvert, so I wasn’t included a lot growing up, but something about being included in the blogging community confirms that I am doing a good job. To be included with bloggers who are not only friendly but supportive and experienced, it’s a phenomenal feeling.
Lockdown guidelines are changing in the UK, and hopefully, from the 17th of May, most businesses will reopen, and the rule of six will apply indoors. Even though I am still nervous about Lockdown lifting completely, it is nice to have a little light at the end of the tunnel, and I am extremely thankful that I have that to look forward to, as many don’t.
In May, I look forward to seeing my parents for the first time since last year. While we could have met outdoors in April, we are just being extra cautious, and the plan to meet in May may change if circumstances alter.
In the moment
I want to focus more on the moment in May rather than fixating on what could be. As I mentioned, I focused on where I should be and who I should be rather than enjoying the moment. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but freezing and letting the day go by worrying about it, won’t change it; only taking action now will.
Thinking about what you want to be and considering your goals isn’t bad, but when you are so fixated on them that you don’t take action towards them, well, that will just overwhelm you and leave you in the same place you started.
You can’t hope to move forward if your mind is in the future, as you won’t be able to take the steps you need to get there.
I hope you enjoyed or at least related to this rant. I feel like there is a lesson in there somewhere. I finished writing this, and I genuinely let out a sigh that rid myself of my worry for the time being.
There is something so therapeutic about writing everything out. It sounds strange, but paper or a digital notebook like this has always felt like a friend. A very good friend, as I seem to do all the talking. It is nice to have a place to write it all down, and if this blog post helps others in some way, that means the world.
I’ll end this blog post in my typical manner, with a question:
Do you have anything planned for May?